Guardian angels
When I was a baby I had a stuffed dog I was obsessed with, it was kinda ugly, always dirty and as I used to lick the little label it had on it, this had turned into threads full of baby-germs. It didn’t matter, it was my favourite one, and surprisingly, considering how I tend to name everything I own, I never gave him a name.
My parents have told me the story that once, I lost the dog in the mall and some older kids who found it were playing with it; but Alvaro, my older brother, went there and fought to get my dog back.
I don’t remember that, but I know he has always been there, and he has always been before, easing the path for me.
A couple days ago I texted him “let me know if you want to talk” and he replied “you’ve read my mind”. Even though we’ve always been extremely close, I feel like since I’ve been living abroad the connection has got stronger.
So I call him, and there he is, shirtless cooking empanada, like most of the times we call, while I’m getting my pyjamas and ready to cook my standard egg-based dinner. As I talk through my concerns, he laughs and says “I’m the same, I’m the same”.
While we’ve always been so different when it comes to what we like and do, there’s a base, a spirit that bonds the two of us: is how excited we get when ‘Howling at the moon’ by the Ramones plays because dad used to play it in the car all the time when we were kids, is how we spot any visual interference because mum dragged us to every single art museum; but it is also the fear of what people think about us, the struggle of being ambitious, the desire of owning something and being afraid of risking everything, the seek of how to steer creativity in our lives, the constant journey to find purpose.
We always end up in a sea of doubt intermediated with laughs, and I can see how he now learns from me as much as I’ve learnt from him. But still, he was here first. He has provided me with the wisdom not to stumble over certain obstacles, he has given me the drive. Because he was here first, he had to face the unknown with no direction, he had to fall so that my little sister and I won't.
This is an ode to older brothers, to the guardian angels, those who didn’t had a choice, those who will put you first after them, those whose role is not just to lead to the ones we come after, but also to have a life of their own, those who also sometimes need you, little brother, to be their rock.
Te quiero Álvaro.
Thanks for reading!
Yours,
H.