Table for one
When we were living together, Lois, Kate, and I made an endless list of restaurants and places we wanted to visit, but every time we tried to get together — despite living under the same roof (a roof that leaked and left us without a shower for three months) — we were always busy doing something else. Today, however, even though Kate moved out of the house a month ago, we finally made it and met for lunch.
With the leaves starting to fall, announcing the beginning of autumn and the haunting darkness it brings, our reunion felt like we were three women in our fifties who hadn't seen each other since high school. But we're just in our late twenties, full of doubts and still single in a world that seems filled with pre-made couples created by algorithms online.
We joked about how we've forgotten how to flirt, how awkward we are around men, and how nice it would be to have someone to cuddle with at the end of the day. And yet, I wouldn’t trade our big goodbye hug for any random Hinge date.
It’s been a year now since I intentionally stopped using dating apps, and almost stopped dating altogether. I’m not going to lie — I did open a profile a couple of times to see what was going on out there, but after 20 minutes of mindless swiping, I realized I didn’t want that.
After around four years of jumping from one relationship to another, I recognized how little I loved myself, and how relationships had become a way to fill that void I carried.
Once I started spending more time alone, I found myself haunted by my own fears, traumas, and struggles. Above all, though, I was haunted by my best friend and worst enemy: time. By filling my days with “productive” activities, I could run away from my true self — the self that doesn’t need to be someone or prove anything to be valuable, the self that loves herself for who she is and doesn’t need anyone or anything else.
Since then, I’ve been on a journey of learning to be, rather than to become; to get bored; to not make an image out of my body; to not post about every single thing I do in life; to make friends who share hobbies rather than going on unpredictable dates; to stop seeking constant external validation; to love my own company; to ask for a table for one without hesitation; to face the mirror with a smile; to love myself.
Thanks for reading!
I’ve been meaning to write a post for months, but I’m happy I’ve done it when it genuinely came to me naturally.
Yours,
H.